So what brought this on was recently I have been feeling a shift in my life and I could quite put a finger on what I am suppose to do or where I am suppose to go. And it is a MAGOR shift that would rock me to the core of who I am or at least who I was identifying myself as.
I shared with my husband that over the last year I have slowly been loosing my passion for photography. Which is INSANE I LIVED, ATE, BREATHED photography! I have been photographing weddings for 10+ years! But about 2 years ago I felt a little voice ask me if I would give it all up. "HA!" I thought "but this is how we fill in the gaps with our income! This is how I can afford to stay home!" I brushed it off but it has been lingering ever since.
Two weeks ago my sister in law invited me to a yoga under the stars night. I went with my girls, my Mom, Dad, my husband, EVERYONE! It was pretty chilly and DARK! We had brought blankets for the girls but I had forgot to ask my Dad to bring a yoga roll for Big Sister. So she wasn't really focusing and was bouncing around (which she loves yoga and would have done it if there was a mat or blanket to do yoga on). It was also dark as I mentioned before so my husband was having a hard time trying to feed Baby Kitty her food. So they packed up everything and went to the car. Needless to say it was REALLLY hard to pay attention and focus.
Then we came to "happy baby" pose which is my FAVORITE, really helps your back! Just then the family walks by to go sit back in their spots and were snickering that I was doing this and how I looked like Baby Kitty. Which made me want to do it more because when she does it I just sit there and smile at her. So after that last pose the teacher takes us into meditation. And for me I use this as a time to listen to God. And BOY did he have some things to say!
In summary he said that I have been holding on sooooo tightly to something that he never really called me to do. I was just doing it because everyone else thought I was good at it and I wanted to please everyone so I settled and became a photographer. Also did I ever wonder why doors were not flying open but the opposite was happening, drama after drama seemed to find it's way to me. He said that if I would let go he would bring something even greater to me. The last time he said something like this he gave me my husband so I perked up.
He said I had to let go. I started to cry! He said that it was ok to cry but to know that who I am is not a "photographer" I am more than that. He told me to trust him. WOW...... WOW..... even now it is hard to write this! I am not sure of the legistics of this other than I am going to obviously finish the work that I am contracted for and that I have said I would do but after that I think I will stick to doing it as favors to friends and family. It was always fun to do that :).
Today I read the first chapter of Artist's Way and was BLOWN away. Mind you I have read it 3 times so you think it wouldn't shock me. But the things she was saying where SPOT on for my situation!
Here are a couple of things I took away from this week's chapter...
1. "We tend to think, or at least fear, that creative dreams are egotistical, something that God wouldn't approve of for us.....If our mom or dad expressed doubt or disapproval for our creative dreams, we may project that same attitude onto a parental god. This thinking must be undone."
WOW! So when I was a teenager I wanted to become a singer. I sang everyday all day! And I talked to my Dad about it and he said "What makes you think you are any different than all the other people out there trying to be musicians?" Which in my fledgling creative state this CRUSHED me (not to mention many other blows that followed made sure this dream NEVER amounted to ANYTHING)! I was thinking about that today and thought I finally have an answer to that question! "Everyone has a song and there is someone that will like it and want to hear it. I have my own voice and it is unique and different than anyone else. I have lived a life that is different than anyone else therefore I have different inspiration to draw from to create different songs than anyone else. So what makes me different!? I do!" :)
Don't get me wrong my parents are VERY loving people and have whole heartedly supported me being a photographer! They loaned me money to buy a LOT of expensive photography equipment. They also helped us countless times when bills were tight. So in no means am I trying to disrespect them or "stick it to the man" and I am SOOOOOO thankful for all the encouragement and support they gave me as a photographer! They want us to be able to support ourselves which is TOTALLY understandable! And up until this moment in our lives this very decision wasn't possible. My husband just recently got a raise making this decision a lot softer blow for us.
2. "... as we pull our overextended and misplaced creative energy back into our own core. We begin to excavate our buried dreams. This is a tricky process. Some of our dreams are very volatile, and the mere act of brushing them off sends an enormous surge of energy bolting through our denial system. Such grief! Such loss! Such pain! It is at this point in the recovery process that we make what Robert Bly calls a "decent into ashes. " We mourn the self we abandoned. We greet this self as we might greet a lover at the end of a long and costly war. To effect a creative recovery, we must undergo a time of mourning. In dealing with the suicide of the "nice" self we have been making do with, we find a certain amount of grief to be essential. Our tears prepare the ground for our future growth. Without this creative moistening , we may remain barren. We must allow the bolt of pain to strike us. Remember, this is useful pain; lightning illuminates."
WOW again! I had the yoga experience before I even read this passage (It has been at least 7 years since I have read it last)!!
3. "- Stop telling yourself , 'It's too late' - Stop waiting until you make enough money to do something you'd really love. - Stop telling yourself, 'It's just my ego' whenever you yearn for a more creative life. - Stop telling yourself that dreams don't mater, that they are only dreams and that you should be more sensible. - Stop fearing that your family and friends would think your crazy. - Stop telling yourself that creativity is a luxury and that you should be greatful for what you've got."
AMEN! I am 32 years old I am not too old to pursue music and other creative ideas/ventures! I am also not a little girl anymore to where I need to be afraid of what my family (or friends) think. I can dream and I can live a more creative life!
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